Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Chafe Boy-R-Dee, the ravioli you sprinkle on itchy Italians. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: U.S. officials feel that Israel and Egypt will break off their treaty negotiations, ruining President Carter’s Camp David peace initiative. Nobel Prize officials say that if the talks break off, Menachim Begin and Anwar Sedat will have to give up their prizes. And who will it go to? We understand either Yankee pitcher Ron Guidry or Boston outfielder Jim Rice.
Rock superstar Elton John was in a London hospital this week, after collapsing in his home. John, an admitted bisexual, had been complaining of an aching prostate gland and menstrual cramps.
The United States Census Bureau announced that the 1980 Census is under way, and it will cost one billion dollars to give us a numerical profile of our population. Currently, an American is born every 10 seconds, and one dies every 16 seconds. So, during the course of this newscast, we would like to welcome 60 new viewers… and to the 40 viewers leaving us: Those are the breaks.
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: When Cardinal Karol Wojtyla was chosen Pope a few weeks ago, Vatican insiders immediately began speculating whom he would name to take his place in Warsaw. Today, Pope John Paul II stunned the Catholic world when he named surrealist artist Salvadore Dali to the controversial post. It’s the first time in 150 years the position has been held by a painter, and the first time in 400 years by a surrealist.
The Senatorial race in Virginia was so close, that they are recounting the votes. So far the winner is Republican John Warner, who’s ahead by a very slight margin. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “Bill, you maniac, what does this have to do with “Celebrity Corner”? Aren’t you getting off the track?” Uh-uh. Because this chief politician John Warner’s wife is none other than perhaps the greatest actress who’s ever lived, and whose face has set the standard for screen beauty for so many years. Of course I’m talking about Elizabeth Taylor.
[ a plump Elizabeth Taylor eating a chicken leg appears on the screen behind Bill ]
Bill Murray: Liz, welcome to “Celebrity Corner”!
Elizabeth Taylor: Thanks, Bill. It’s so nice to be here.
Bill Murray: Liz, how does it feel to be Mrs. Almost-Too-Soon-to-Tell Senator-Elect Warner, anyway?
Elizabeth Taylor: [ chewing as she talks ] Very exciting, Bill. I’m looking forward to being a Washington hostess.
Bill Murray: Liz, tell me this: we heard that you promised that if John won the election, that you would go on a diet from your present weight of 167 pounds, down to your “Butterfield 8” weight of 120. Is that true?
Elizabeth Taylor: That’s right. I’ve started on a strict diet. Nothing but chicken.
Bill Murray: That sounds great, Liz. But to me, I don’t care how much you weigh, just so your cheeks don’t puff up over those beautiful violet eyes that I’ve been in love with since “National Velvet”.
Elizabeth Taylor: [ not paying attention ] Mmm-hmm…
[ suddenly, Taylor starts to choke ]
Bill Murray: Liz, what about your career? I mean, can we look forward to seeing you in a movie soon? How about “Cleopatra II”? It seems like such a natural. I mean, how would John feel about that? Would there be a career conflict, now that you are also the wife of a United States Senator? [ Elizabeth Taylor pounds her chest to free the chicken, then starts spitting it up ] Well, thank you so much, Liz. It has been a real treat for me to have you on “Celebrity Corner”. And I think all your friends in the whole world join me when I say, “Good luck with that diet, I KNOW you’re gonna lose that weight.” She looks great, doesn’t she? I just know she’s gonna be a big hit on Capitol Hill.
[ Bill reaches into his pocket ]
Bill Murray: Jane, you know, uh, a clue to the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa was finally discovered today, and was delivered to the Weekend Update office. The thumb of the ex-Teamsters boss was discovered on Interstate US-80 by a man who thought he was picking up an extremely short hitchhiker.
[ Bill holds up the box with a thumb inside, obviously his own poking through a hle in the back of the box, making no real effort to hide thw illusion ]
The ex-Teamster’s thumb will be kept here at Weekend Update under heavy guard until services next week. [ he puts the box back in his pocket ]
Today, after the Republicans won both the Senate seats and the governorship of the state of Minnesota, that state reported its first earthquake in 20,000 years. The center of the quake was reported to be at the grave of Hubert Humphrey, who seismologists say was spinning at the rate of 7,000 revolutions per minute.
Jane Curtin: Tragedy struck the world of horseracing this afternoon, when Seattle Slew was accidentally impaled on a hurdle he failed to clear. While the former Triple Crown winner looks as though he’ll fully recover, veterinarians have reduced his stud fees from $12 million to $14.95.
And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman’s hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that “One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.”
Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I’m “Weekend Update”‘s Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight’s “Point/Counterpoint”. Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you’re going to say: “Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70’s re-embargo. He’s a fighter against Communism.” Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student’s genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you’ll be singing a different tune!
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah’s a jerk, but he’s all we’ve got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handles, and we’ll see how you’ll feel then! Of course, you’d probably love it, you ignorant slut!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
SNL Transcripts
Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts by Don Roy King
