How to Deal With Abusive Parents

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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Child abuse, although common, is a serious issue and can be life-threatening. If you or someone you know is dealing with abusive parents it is crucial to get help (both immediate and long-term), to keep yourself safe, and to work toward coping in healthy ways.

Signs of Abuse

• Signs that you may be in immediate danger include: if someone is threatening to harm or abuse you in a serious way (such as if they are yelling that they are going to hit you or harm you in another way), if that person has a weapon or object, if you are being chased with an intent to harm you, if you are fearful about your safety, and if you are currently being hurt physically or abused by another.
• Emergency operators are trained to talk you through these situations. They can send law enforcement or a medical response team to assist you.
• Law enforcement are also typically trained to deal with these situations. They will most likely speak to you in person and ask you questions about your situation in order to determine ways to deal with the issue.

Identify if you are experiencing abuse. In order to get help you need to know if what you are experiencing is actually abuse or normal parenting. Child abuse is defined in terms of physical harm, sexual abuse, emotional harm, and neglect. [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source

• Common signs of physical abuse include: unexplainable injuries or markings (bruises, cuts, sores), injuries that do not match up with the explanation of the situation, fearful or timid behaviors (looking around frequently, alert), easily scared or startled, and expression of fears of family situations. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source[3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Other indicators may include: extreme changes in sleeping, eating, social, or academic behaviors. [4] X Research source The child may also begin engaging in unsafe behaviors such as using drugs or alcohol.
• Under federal law in the United States, spanking to the buttocks is not considered abuse unless injuries occur (such as welts, bruises).

• Common signs of child sexual abuse are: an understanding of sex which is too mature for the child's age, seductive behaviors or developmentally inappropriate interest in sex, difficulty sitting or standing/walking, avoiding a particular individual for an unknown reason, embarrassment of one's body or avoidance of changing in locker room or at home, and running away from home. [6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
• Additional signs could be if the child uses substances such as drugs or alcohol, becomes pregnant or develops sexually transmitted infections.

• Signs of neglect include if the child: is visibly unclean or smells bad, wears clothes that do not fit or are inappropriate for the weather, has poor hygiene, and has medical or physical issues that are not treated. [7] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Other warning signs are if the child is left alone for long periods of time without adult supervision, or if the child is missing or late to school often.

• Indicators and warning signs of verbal abuse are if the child is: socially withdrawn, lacking attachment to the guardian or parent, having feelings of shame or guilt, worrying about his behaviors, and behaving in extreme ways that are abnormal for the child (such as very compliant/shy or very obstinate/argumentative, or acting above or below their age). [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
• Domestic violence is also an issue. If a child witnesses violence in the family this is a reportable concern.

Reduce self-blame. It is common for individuals who have survived abuse to blame themselves for the abuse or justify the situation. Realize that abuse is not your fault. Understand that if your situation falls into any of the four types of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, neglect), this is not acceptable and you do not deserve to be treated this way no matter what. [10] X Research source

• Child Protective Services staff and other government agency personnel are trained to deal with these types of situations.They will ask you questions and tell you what to expect.
• Your local law enforcement or governing agency will most likely conduct an investigation and you and certain members of your family may be interviewed.
• Reporting the abuse can result in a social worker being involved in your case and may require that you and your parents receive education or counseling. Worst case scenario is that you would be removed from the home for your own safety. In this case, children are typically placed under foster care until the abusive situation is resolved.

Safety Tips

• Write down the plan. It is difficult to keep this information in your head, so as you go about making your plan make sure you write down each step.
• If you feel unsafe or believe that abuse is about to occur, engage your safety plan immediately.

• Remember that anger is okay, but violence or abuse is never okay.

• Identify common places in which the abuse may occur. If abuse has happened in a particular room, make sure you have an easy exit out of that room (whether it be a door, window, etc). Make sure there are no pieces of furniture or other objects that may get in your way.
• Do not attempt to hide in your own home. This can cause you to get stuck somewhere and not be able to get away to a safe place.
• Identify escape routes out of your home. Many apartment buildings have fire escape plan posted; you can learn the fastest way to exit your building. Use stairs instead of the elevator.
• Understand how to unlock windows and doors, as well as where important keys are to your home.

• Identify the fastest and safest way to get to your safe place. If you can run, do so. If you have easy access to transportation that you are legally allowed to operate, use it (car, skateboard, bike, etc).
• Have several back up plans in case you cannot go to your specific safe place. For example, identify close public places that are open 24 hours or have easy phone access.

• Keep important phone numbers such as emergency contacts on you at all times.
• When you get to your safe place you can call for additional help (emergency services or your local police station) if needed.

Long-term Strategies

Understand the effects of abuse. Child abuse can lead to many difficulties including: shame, guilt, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Additionally, your parents’ actions have formed who you are, what you think about yourself and what you think is normal behavior. Therefore, it can be difficult to know what a healthy parent-child relationship should look like. If your daily actions are based in fear of being hurt or put down, something needs to change. You are a worthy human being and deserve to be happy.

• Start by talking to a friend. This might feel like a difficult thing to do, but gathering up your courage to do it can be life changing. It may help you deal with the situation and make your friendship even stronger.
• Keep a journal. This will help you express your feelings and situation you're in so you can find the best course of action.
• Another way to express your feelings is to talk to other people in your situation.

• Your teacher
• Your school guidance counselor or therapist
• Your best friend's parent
• Another relative you trust

• If your abusive situation has been reported to law enforcement then your governing agency may already require that you and your parents engage in therapy. It is important to be open to this experience and know that your therapist is there to help you.
• If you are not currently in treatment you can talk to your medical doctor about getting a referral to a therapist.
• If you are under the age of 18, your legal guardian (parent or otherwise) must provide consent for you to engage in treatment. [17] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Your legal guardian would be required to sign the appropriate paperwork when you first meet with a therapist.
• If you do not feel comfortable talking to your parents about getting treatment you can speak to another trusted adult or family member, or your school guidance counselor.

Coping Tips

• Coping skills can be fun and entertaining such as: listening to music, watching movies, and playing games or sports.

• Pretend your abuser is sitting in a chair and say what you want to say. Yell, scream, curse -- let it all out.
• Write a letter of confrontation to your abuser. You do not need to send it but this may help you process and work through some of your feelings.

• Progressive muscle relaxation is one technique where you progressively tense and relax different muscle groups throughout your body until you become relaxed. Start with tensing your toes for 5 seconds, then relax them for10- 30 seconds. Then move slowly up your body all the way to the top of you head (from toes, to feet, to legs, and so on). [20] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
• Deep breathing is another option where you simply breathe deeply through your nose, and breathe out through your mouth. Pay attention to your breathing and when you get distracted return to thinking only about your breathing. [21] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source

Identify unhelpful coping strategies and limit them. Some strategies that are unhelpful in the long-term include: blaming the self, minimizing the abuse (saying or thinking it was not that bad), denial, and rationalizing (thinking that the abuse was normal or okay).

• Focus on your own goals such as doing well in school or learning how to play a sport or instrument.
• Focus on your own hopes and dreams. Think about what you want to become and start getting information about it or working toward it.

Expert Q&A

Don't blame yourself. Your behavior does not determine what your parent chooses to say or do. It is their choice to respond or react however they choose. You do not cause them to behave the way they choose. It's not your fault.

Find something to take your mind off it. Thinking the situation over and over isn't going to help at all. Pick up an instrument, blast out some music, or if you're more creative you could try a Calming Jar. Whatever you do, try your best to forget what happened.

Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

• If you don't feel like you can get a word in edgewise when you try to talk to your parents, you might consider writing them a letter. This allows you to get out whatever you need to say without worrying about them interrupting or talking over you.

If you are ever in immediate danger of any kind, do not hesitate to call emergency services. If it is too dangerous to do so, make up an excuse to go to somewhere where it is safe to call, such as a friend's house. Remember, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

This is your choice, but never speak to them again if you come back to them and they tend to stay in the same patterns. Your mental/physicals/emotional health matters, and if that means you need to cut someone off, cut them off.

You Might Also Like

How to Deal with Emotionally Abusive Parents & When to Cut Ties

How to Evade Speaking with Your Parents: An Expert-Approved Guide

20 Signs of Abuse to Look for in Toddlers or Babies

1. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
2. ↑http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/child-abuse/basics/symptoms/con-20033789
3. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
4. ↑http://www.safehorizon.org/page/signs-of-child-abuse-58.html
5. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
6. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
7. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
8. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
9. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm

1. ↑https://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/shame-and-self-blame-after-trauma/
2. ↑http://ec.europa.eu/digital-agenda/en/116-helplines
3. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
4. ↑https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/help/develop-a-safety-plan/
5. ↑https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/help/develop-a-safety-plan/safety-planning-for-legal-professionals-and-clients/
6. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
7. ↑http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
8. ↑http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar02/confidentiality.aspx
9. ↑http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx
10. ↑http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368
11. ↑http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368?pg=2
12. ↑http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368

About This Article

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 427,289 times.

Child abuse can take many forms, such as being physically beaten, touched inappropriately, being shouted at regularly, not being fed properly, or being made to feel worthless. Dealing with abusive parents is something no one should have to go through but try to remember that none of it’s your fault and things will get better. If you think your parents are abusing you, the first step is to tell an adult you trust, like your friend’s parent, your favorite teacher, or your school counselor. However, if you feel like you’re in danger at any time, call emergency services so they can keep you safe. If you don’t feel comfortable calling them, go to a safe place, like a friend or neighbor’s house, and tell them what happened. For more tips, including how to distract yourself when you feel sad or lonely, read on.

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"My parents keep hurting me on a regular basis. I wanted to do something about it, but I'm afraid that they will beat me with a switch/belt. Thank you for this article, I never knew that switching/using a belt on your child was against federal law if the child gets bruised from the switch/belt. Thank you so much, wikiHow." . " more